THE ESSENCE OF OUTSTANDING HUMAN RELATIONS SKILLS

by Terry L. Sumerlin

No big vacation this year. Sherry and I made that decision before the summer started. Since trips to the Dallas and Tampa areas are planned to welcome our third and fourth grandchildren into the world, we decided vacations would be limited to Sherry traveling with me on speaking engagements. The first stop was the Gaylord Texan Resort in Grapevine, Texas.

I’d always heard things are big in Texas, but in there this Texan was wide-eyed. What a place! An atrium with four and a half acres of greenery, and as if that’s not enough a mini San Antonio Riverwalk. And, then, there are the shops and restaurants.

As an added dimension of the trip, we traveled roundtrip by Amtrak. The dining, scenery and reading time proved well worth the time it took to get there and back.

After a morning presentation to the Texas Association of Community College Business Officers, I had an opportunity to sort of hang out while Sherry rested in our room. Ultimately I wound up in the Java Coast with book in hand, and took a seat in front of the TV to wait for the start of game two of the UT vs. LSU College World Series finals.

Suddenly a gentleman stood beside me to also watch ESPN. "I'm waiting for the CWS," I commented.

"Did you see that game last night?" he excitedly asked.

We chatted a bit and I mentioned that I really wanted to watch the upcoming game on the 52-foot screen in the nearby lounge, but the room was reserved for a social. He said he was part of that group and was surprised I couldn't get in.

"I'll be right back," he said, and away he went.

In a few minutes he came back and handed me an unclaimed name badge from his medical conference. "Tonight you're Sue," he said. "Help yourself to all the food." I didn't but thought what he did was very funny and unbelievably thoughtful.

Keep that story in mind, please, as I relate one more incident that occurred the same evening in the same coffee shop.

I had phoned up to the room to see if Sherry had finished resting and would like to meet me in the coffee shop. She suggested we call it a day and have coffee in our room.

I thought, I’ll surprise her with a blueberry muffin to go with our coffee. So, I stepped over to the counter to place my order. As the young lady behind the counter got my muffin, we chatted and I mentioned we would make coffee our room.

She smiled and handed me two of their coffee cups. "That coffee in the room is not very good," she said. "Try it, but feel free to come back down and get ours." Theirs was $3.50 a cup. How nice was that?

I had already paid her for the muffin, but reached back in my pocket for a tip. "No," she said. When I persisted she said, "I did that because you actually treated me like a person instead of just seeing someone who takes orders and works a computer." I was stunned, and assured her I had enjoyed talking to her and others should as well.

Two stories - one point. But what is it? Is it that I'm such a fine person everyone wants to do me favors. Not at all. I have times when I'm a jerk, and Sherry gently lets me know when she observes such times because she sincerely wants me to always be a good person.

And, good people habitually give others what they want most of all - respect, attention and a feeling of importance. Though we don't show such to be rewarded it often is, because nice generally produces nice.

LEADERSHIP PRINCIPAL: Nothing we can give others means more to them than our full attention, respect and a feeling of importance.

© 2009 American City Business Journals Inc.

SOME TELLING THINGS ABOUT QUESTIONS

by Terry L. Sumerlin

The teller at the bank had a question for me. I don't remember what it was, but I do recall she prefaced it with, "This may be a stupid question."

In an attempt at humor, I replied, "There are no stupid questions, only the search."

Don't worry if you don't get it. It didn't make sense to her either.

Maybe what I'm about to say will make more sense: Some questions don't show much forethought. While I wouldn't necessarily call them stupid questions, they do tend to reflect on the inquirer. And, from a business point of view, they certainly don't enhance a person's image.

One such question is the I-nodded-off-and-wasn't-listening kind. We've all heard this type. It's the sort of question that is often asked during a presentation. A hand will shoot up and, when recognized, the person confidently asks about something that was just covered or asserts something that the speaker just said. Similarly, in a social setting, someone might say that she grew up on Long Island, only to be asked, "By the way, where are you from?"

Since most of us have asked such questions, at some time or other, how can we avoid repeating the error? Beyond the obvious solution of better listening, we might try pausing to ask ourselves, "Am I about to ask a very dumb question?" Then, if we still feel a need to ask, but have doubts, we can preface our question with, "I'm so sorry. Did you already tell me...?"

Other questions that we need to avoid fall into the this-is-an-interrogation category. Here the problem is not always with what we ask, but how. These questions tend to be close-ended, and asked in rapid order, with little time for response or elaboration. Where do you work? What do you do? Where did you go to school? What does your spouse do? How did you meet? How many kids you have? Are they married? Have children?
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The inquirer might have a sincere interest in the other person's responses. Yet, what is perceived is, "Why does he want to know?" When bombarded with such questions, I'm tempted to respond with, "Which question do you want me to answer?" or simply "Yes." Open-ended questions (that require more than "yes" or "no"), when nicely paced rather than rapid fire, are marks of a thoughtful conversationalist. The other kind can be rude and intrusive.

A third type of question we might want to avoid asking is the RCA-Victor-dog variety. Those who are old enough to remember playing phonographs and listening to records probably remember the RCA Victor record label. It showed a dog, with his head tilted toward the bell of the old time phonograph, inquisitively listening to the music.

That's kind of the way I am with some questions. What did he ask? These are the kind of questions that might be asked at a senate hearing. They have so many words, twists and turns that the hearer tends to get lost in the detours. And, as if that's not bad enough, there is usually a follow-up question that is just as bad or worse.

In this regard, it sometimes pays to rehearse or to write out a question just to be sure it is clear, concise and to the point. At the very least, maybe we should run questions through the "common sense check" in our heads before we open our mouths. Remember, great questions can teach us great things. But they don't just happen. They require great thought.

One final observation: When asking questions, be sure to check reasons and motives. Is the purpose to learn about people, things or facts? Or, unfortunately, is it to get attention, to show how smart we are, to stump the speaker or just to fill the silence? In such cases, silence can be golden.

LEADERSHIP PRINCIPLE: Questions often have a way of revealing intelligence and leadership ability, or a lack thereof.

© 2006 American City Business Journals Inc.